Tuesday, December 31, 2013
@11:30 PM
Time to make a last-day-of-the-year post eh. (Plot twist, I wrote this post a few days ago lol.) I was clicking around in my archives and realised almost every year I'd sum it up and thank the few key people in my life for making the year "AWESOME". But this post shall be a tad emo. Don't read if you don't like emo things.
Lol alright so this year has been... strange. I wouldn't say it was the worst, and I don't want to say that I wasted my time (given that it was a gap year and all). Unforeseen circumstances have filtered it's way through and unexpected situations arose, which I thought I knew how to handle, but nope, I most def struggled lol. Damn, I thought I'd never need to struggle. Let's just say 2013 has heightened my awareness of how ignorant I really am. (And not only me hey)
It was this year that I appreciated the capacity of how much the human heart can feel -- A terrifying lot. I understood why storms are named after people. I harboured more anger than I ever had; experienced passion to the extent you're compelled to do weird things; pure joy wormed its way into life too; I've cried in the dark, fearing nothing and everything at the same time; felt the actual stab in my heart when it's been hurt. People have a larger capacity than I've imagined to hurt and destroy, whether unto me or not. I myself've done terrible things -- I've damaged people and myself, demanded unfairly and brought them down with me.
I used to write down the words bouncing off the walls of my mind when I was inebrieated, drinking alone in my room just to forget. One paragraph that I made was:
"Everything's spinning, and I still can't get ahold of myself. Someone hold me, please. Soon I'm going to spin out of control, I'm not going to make it.
I'm not going to make it."
And that just pierced my heart rereading this. Damn, I was so messed up yo.
Well I guess I've learnt to step out of this terribly comfortable darkness and forgive myself and the people around me. I remember my dad saying a few days ago, about how it's human instinct to remember more bad memories than good as a future defense mechanism. But the bad memories that I've replayed in my head over and over again, I've learnt to let ago and forget. I've learned to be kinder to my wholly imperfect self and be more forgiving to myself as a human. Damn, that was hard lol. If anything, I appreciate people more who are so unapologetically themselves -- Those are the best people. :D
More often than not, I remember being so awfully lonely this year, with so few people to emphatise with taking a gap year because they all had their lives to get on by. I remember lonely walks, just to mingle around crowds, trying to feel something else, but that just made me feel worse. I didn't like how it was scorned on for not having work to do throughout your days; people were telling me to be "more productive!" and "get yo lazy ass a job!" and stuff lol, which was way true, but I hated hearing that. That's why when someone told me to it's okay to chill the whole year out, because it'ld the only long holiday I'll ever have, I totally went ahead guiltlessly. I liked spending time by myself -- It was through this, and also being away from all the stress of being in a relationship, that made me rediscover myself and learn more about life. But after a long time of spending time in solitude, I started to belong more deeply to myself and being in the company of people seemed less attractive. Damn, I am such a noob haha.
Hmmm so as for the people who made 2013 less daunting, I have 4 names in mind, which I don't really want to post here for fear of people reading LOL. :( These people, I believe, were my angels. Before 2013, I barely even knew them, but somehow I gained these unlikely friendships when I needed people the most, and they mean the world to me. Another thing I learnt was that even if angels like these appeared, be it to help you through a trying period, eventually their halos will lift and they might fade out of your life.
These people are never yours to keep. They were only placed there to help teach you how to live your life.
I realised I really miss innocence, and transiting out of teenagehood really twists your mind even more. There's like a steep hill at the end of this field where you've spent the best parts of almost half your life (Catcher in the Rye reference) and suddenly you can't be a child anymore. You can't just selfishly walk away from people who say they feel something; you can't just sever friendships and burn bridges without feeling a void in your heart; forming emotional connections between people has become more than just making small talk. Things like these I used to regard so little, as if there were a thousand more opportunities waiting for me anyway, but suddenly it's like life has become too short to treat people so simply.
ANYWAYYY ON A LIGHTER NOTE, 2013 IS ENDING and i can finally close this chapter and write my final words of the year. New years are for starting afresh, and I will. :D Experiences will be kept, and the unsavoury memories will lose their negative connotation (for lack of a better word :/) Lol. SO FOR 2014 I will not embrace hurt, I will try to be happy and love the people around me. Oh yeah and love my course in uni next year. Sounds simple enough yeah. 2014 LETS GO! THIS POST HAS BEEN SO EMO. I SHALL ERASE IT ONE DAY.